The original 300 script
Well, anyone that has seen the movie 300 knows that it looks pretty good. But upon reflection, you have also probably arrived at the conclusion that the story line could be summarised quite easily on the back of a postage stamp. With this in mind, my global correspondent Bean Bag Boy has forwarded me an abridged version of the 300 script. I post it here for your reading pleasure.
300: THE ABRIDGED SCRIPT™
By Rod Hilton
FADE IN:
EXT. SPARTA
PERSIAN MESSENGER PETER MENSAH approaches SPARTA and demands to see the king, GERARD BUTLER.
PETER MENSAH
I am a messenger for Rodrigo Santoro. He wants a gift of water and earth from you as a sign that you fall under his rule.
GERARD BUTLER
The men and women of Sparta submit to no ruler.
PETER MENSAH
But they all submit to you. You’re their king. And you submit to a bunch of inbred priests that talk to gods.
GERARD BUTLER
I shall kill you where you stand for pointing out how silly the premise is!
PETER MENSAH
Whoa, hold on. You’re going to kill a messenger? For basically insulting your pride? We’ve already established we kill newborn babies if they don’t look great - killing messengers because your dick is small won’t exactly get the audience on our side.
GERARD BUTLER
Um, it’s for FREEDOM.
PETER MENSAH
Oh, well if you’re going to use the word “freedom” then that changes everything. Clearly you’re the good guys now.
GERARD kills the PERSIANS, sentencing his people to fight a battle they cannot win. This is HEROIC, rather than JUVENILE.
EXT. HOT GATES
GERARD BUTLER, DAVID WENHAM, VINCENT REGAN, and 297 EXTRAS PISSED OFF THEY SPENT SO MUCH TIME IN THE GYM ONLY TO GET A NON-SPEAKING PART all watch as the invading army of CGI invaders renders itself closer and closer.
Suddenly, a MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN appoaches.
MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN
Gerard, let me fight by your side. All I ever get are sh!t parts on TV shows. I’m finally in a movie, please give me some screen time.
GERARD BUTLER
No. Even though you know about a secret passage that will allow the Persians to defeat us, I’ve decided once again that my pride is more important than my intelligence. f**k off.
MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN
Geeze, what a dick. You’re sure you’re the good guys in this story?
GERARD BUTLER
Freedom!
DAVID WENHAM
Freedom, f**k yeah!
VINCENT REGAN
Freedom is good! And since we use the word freedom, it means we embrace it! Freedom freedom!
A METRIC f**kTON of PERSIANS attack, but they are killed. The scenes go in and out of slow-motion stylistically as pixelated blood decorates the fake landscape.
VINCENT REGAN
If video game makers are trying so hard to make their games “look like movies” why are we trying so hard to make our movie look like a video game?
GERARD BUTLER
We’re going for the “brainless thick-headed macho asshole” demographic
DAVID WENHAM
Have you seen our costumes? I’m pretty sure we’re going for the “closeted homosexual” demographic.
After some more violence, RODRIGO SANTORO decides to talk
RODRIGO SANTORO
Bow before me, your new god. I have divine powers, and I shall spare you if you submit to me.
GERARD BUTLER
We will never embrace your silly mysticism. We much prefer our own, with all the inbred mutant guys at the top of the mountain and the naked oracle chick.
RODRIGO SANTORO
You will pay for this! I will burn all Greek writings! Nobody will ever know you existed!
GERARD BUTLER
Greek? I’m Greek? Why the f**k have I been doing a Scottish accent for the entire movie?
RODRIGO SANTORO
For that matter, why are most of my Persian fighters caucasian?
Predictably, MUTANT ANDREW TIERNAN tells RODRIGO about the secret passage. Persians surround the Spartans. There is some more fighting as the audience is doused with TESTOSTERONE.
VINCENT REGAN
(dying)
Man, this whole plan was really, really stupid.
GERARD BUTLER
(dying)
Freedom!
VINCENT REGAN
Did I say stupid? I meant brave and inspirational! Freedom!
END
Copyright 2007 Rod Hilton. All Rights Reserved. This document may be reproduced verbatim (allowing censorship and translation) as long as the author’s name is preserved and this notice is either preserved or referenced.
(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)
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3 Responses to “The original 300 script”
Posted: May 25th, 2007 at 6:25 am
grunt grunt grunt free us grunt grunt grunt … this script could double as the script for ‘debbie does dallas 69′
Posted: Jul 8th, 2007 at 11:00 pm
Bean Bag Boy has forwarded me an abridged version of the 300 script. I post it here for your reading pleasure.
- I notice no one has left a comment, they probably got two lines into it and thought to themselves “what a couple of losers”. I know I did.
Posted: Jul 9th, 2007 at 10:24 am
Are you calling Bean Bag Boy a loser??? I might be a loser, but Bean Bag Boy most definitely isn’t! Moll!
Actually, I’m interested to know, how did you find this page in the first place? Google search for camel toe? Are you one of the 0.00001% of the population that thought the 300 plot was ‘deep’?
0.00034% of people say Swollen Pickles rocks!
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