Google’s tribute to the Human Centipede
Switched on the laptop Friday and fired up the old Google machine to be confronted with a freaky version of the Google logo. After I was done scratching my head I only had one question, was this Google’s tribute to the Human Centipede? The logo was actually a tribute to artist Keith Haring, but all [...]
Major league karaoke fail
I've developed a bizarre fascination with this YouTube video of a major league karaoke fail. Besides its melodic appeal, the incomprehensible lyrics make this a musical train wreck worth watching.
I will say, in the performers defence, the lyrics from the original version of the track from Mariah Carey are equally incomprehensible.
Commission Junction suckle on my account balance
A bad affiliate program is one that does everything in its power to make you feel like you've just paid a visit to an alcoholic, sausage fingered, proctologist.
In the good old days Commission Junction were quite good to me. I was doing reasonably well with them, largely on the back of their relationship with eBay. A couple of years ago, if you wanted to earn commission from eBay referrals, your only option was to go through Commission Junction.
While Commission Junction have a large number of partners, 99.9% of my revenue with them was generated via eBay. When eBay decided it was time to fly solo, and started there own publisher program, 99.9% of the money I would have made through Commission Junction was made via eBay directly instead. So, since eBay flew the Commission Junction coup, my Commission Junction earnings have been sporadic at best. Currently I'm only partnered with Musicians Friend, which generally offers high involvement, high value, products for sale. My last commission probably occurred earlier this year, and since then it's been quiet.
Last month I logged into my dashboard and noticed that my account balance had dropped from the previous month, and the month before that. Four months ago I had $47 in my account. Today I'm down to $7. Why? Here's what I found buried in the Contact Us >> Check FAQs section of the Commission Junction site.
If your account was charged a $10 fee it is because you have not generated any commissionable transactions for a six-month period. Publishers that have less than $10 in their account or a zero balance after six-months of activity automatically have their accounts deactivated. Because publishers can sign-up for a Commission Junction account for no charge, our system carries thousands of accounts that are either duplicates or never generate any activity. This makes it necessary to remove those accounts from the system so that it can work more efficiently for publishers and advertisers that are generating revenue.
So each month I'm being charged $10 for what exactly? Extra support? Help in turning around my poor performance? I'm not sure. All I do know is that I never received any correspondence from Commission Junction to tell me they were siphoning my account. Maybe it's there way of coping with the financial crisis? Whatever it is, it leaves me less than impressed.
Now, I may not be a big user of Commission Junction at the moment, but that is not to say I wont find something I want to promote in the future. With that said though, Commission Junction make it very difficult for me to want to continue on with them in the future. If I don't generate a commission this month, my account will finally reach zero, which will see my account deactivated. Surely I can do something to avoid deactivation? Lets check their FAQs some more...
How can I prevent my account from being closed for non-activity?
Commission Junction deactivates accounts for lack of performance (dormant account policy) if they have not generated any commissionable transactions for six consecutive months. To prevent your account from being deactivated, you can make a purchase from one of your advertisers to generate a commission.
So to avoid deactivation I should generate leads... from myself? Doesn't sound 100% kosher, and there's probably sub-clauses in the individual agreements you enter into with the actual advertisers that could end up seeing you booted from their programs?
Commission Junction is one of the larger affiliate programs around, which is why I guess they figure they can get away with such a dick move. For the big publishers I'm sure none of this really matters, but perhaps Commission Junction should consider that big publishers all need to start somewhere. By raising the middle finger to the minnows of today, they may be pissing off the killer whales of tomorrow.
It’s Brewfest in Azeroth
For those of us unable to make it to Germany for Oktoberfest I may have stumbled across the next best thing... Brewfest. One minor problem though, it's in Azeroth, so you're going to need a World of Warcraft account.
Once you've got that sorted, head to the beer garden outside the dwarven capital city Iron Forge. Then, drink up until your computer generated you cant walk straight anymore. Brewfest began on the 20th of September and will finish up on the 4th of October.
Besides the opportunity to get your geek drink on, Brewfest also opens up a heap of Brewfest related quests that will see you drawing your sword against the nefarious Coren Direbrew, leader of the Dark Iron dwarves. Defeat Direbrew and he drops a heaps of cool stuff at random, including some weapons and trinkets, as well as a couple of Brewfest mounts, the Great Brewfest Kodo or the Swift Brewfest Ram. Personally I'm after the Kodo, cause it looks cooler, but as of writing this, I've paid Direbrew five visits, for a total of 25 drops, and neither the Kodo or Ram have dropped once. With a couple of days left my luck might change.
I've also got four days left to complete two of the final achievements in order to take the title of Brewmaster. I have Drunken Stupor (basically getting sh!t faced and surviving a 65 yard fall) and Disturbing the Peace (While wearing 3 pieces of Brewfest clothing, get completely smashed and /dance in Dalaran) left to complete.
Not surprisingly the event has spawned a range of real world merchandise including the "Tankard O' Terror", that can hold close to 2 litres of your preferred beverage. Personally, I'm feeling more than a little include to pick up one of the groovy Brewfest t-shirts. I'm sure chicks dig dudes in World of Warcraft apparel.
Top 10 bizarre search terms that brought people here
The one thing I really love about looking after a website is checking out the visitors statistics. Since the dawn of the pickle, people have found many weird and unusual ways to make their way here, and to date, 2009 has proven to be no exception. Here are ten of the more bizarre search terms people have used to find SwollenPickles.com.
1. "why is mommy moaning book": I'm sure there are a number of potential answers to this question. Hopefully the 366 people that have arrived at Swollen Pickles as a result of typing it into a search engine have found the answer.
2. "tuna taco": I have to blame Paris Hilton for this one.
3. "screech sextape free": Ewwwww! So far I've disappointed 122 people this year. There's no Screech tape to be found here.
4. "my foot in your ass": Once again, ewwww!
5. "whale jizz": This term would be a result of this whale facts post, however, I'm not sure why any one, let alone 61 people, would be searching for this! Weird kink maybe.
6. "pickle porn": Ummm... different strokes for different blokes I guess.
7. "infected penis": Why??
8. "pimp goldfish shoes": These shoes are awesome.
9. "extinction of gingers": The impending ranga extinction is serious business, so I can understand why people where searching for this.
10. "stuff that makes you throw up": if you are looking for this stuff, please refer to search terms three through to seven.
World of Warcraft Intervention
It's common knowledge that World of Warcraft is crack for nerds, which is why this video is so LOL I think it caused me to LMAO. I actually think this scene may well have played out, somewhere out there in the real world. Pause for thought while I got AFK.
Hitler not happy with Kanye
The Kanye West VMA's fiasco has raised the hackles of 99.9% of the worlds population. His treatment of Taylor Swift was not one of his smoother moves. I, myself, am no stranger to public humiliation, so I had a hard time not sympathizing with Ms Swift.
Kanye's out burst has made him some very powerful enemies. Number one on the list, Hitler. Here's what he had to say about the Kanye-gate affair.
"That stupid Kanye! That shit was uncalled for ... I just want to shave my moustache and wipe it on my ass and shove it down his nostrils."
Now I'm sure Kayne will be able to use all of the controversy on his next average album, people will buy it, and he'll get richer. But all that will not change the fact that he has pissed off Hitler, and that cannot be a good thing for anyone!
Pearl Jam The Fixer
Happy in the knowledge that I've secured tickets to their only Melbourne show, which will also feature Ben Harper, I'm know eagerly awaiting the release of Pearl Jam's 9th studio album, Backspacer, due on the 20 September.
Here's a taster from the new album, with the video of the first single, the Fixer. I like it.
Things that make you throw up in your mouth a little
Every so often you'll stumble across something that is so disgusting that is makes you throw up in your mouth just a little bit. This happened to me on Friday, when someone sent me a video labeled as the biggest zit in the world. Against my better judgment I loaded that bad boy up. What I saw that day has since haunted my dreams. It is therefore, only fair for me to share my pain with the world.
Warning: Please do not eat cream cheese while watching this clip. Sweet holy mother of Fonzie it's disgusting...
The video led to many a conversation. "Is it a zit?"; "No, that's not a zit, it's a cyst"; "I don't care what it is, I just hurled a little". Finally though, "have you ever seen a clip of a human bot fly?"
No I had not, until I watched this...
Isn't the internet a beautiful, wondrous and educational thing?
CityGT free iPhone driving game launches
If you are in, or around, Melbourne this weekend you may want to head down to Federation Square for the global launch of the latest driving game for the iPhone. Unlike a lot of iPhone applications doing the rounds at the moment, the CityGT game is available for free.
In what is being billed as a world first, the creators are giving people the opportunity to play the game live on the big screen at Federation Square. Ever wondered what it's like to play a video game on a 40ft wide-screen? Here's your chance to find out.
It's not often you get something for nothing these days, so I'd suggest that you take full advantage!
Here are the details (from the press release) for those who may be interested in giving it a closer look
The game was created by Melbourne-based advertising agency, JWT, and offers the best driving graphics available on the Apple iPhone for free.
Join the driving fun at the global launch of CityGT at Melbourne’s Federation Square on September 6th between 11.00am-2.00pm. Have a go at CityGT on an iPhone and show off your driving prowess by playing on the big screen.
Go to the City GT website to find out more about the game before it goes live, and then go to www.apple.com/iphone/apps-for-iphone/ from the 6th September 2009 to download the CityGT game for free.
Edit: A video of the game testing at Fed Square is now on YouTube.
International Proboscis Monkey Day
I've been slack at maintaining the old pickle over the last few weeks. There's a lot of stuff I'd like to do with it, but not enough hours in the day. Yeah I'm busy, but it could be worse. I could be the Nasosus Machedonus, aka. the Proboscis Monkey, aka. the monkey with a penis nose.
Yup, 31 August is officially Proboscis Monkey Day. What sets the Proboscis Monkey apart from it's other Monkey cousins is its massive hooter.
"A distinctive trait of this monkey is the male's large protruding nose, from which it takes its name. The big nose is thought to be used to attract females and is a characteristic of the males, reaching up to 7 inches in length."
What is a proboscis? It's an elongated appendage from the head. Ewwww! Head appendage. So here we have a fun loving monkey with a 7 inch schlong for a nose. According to science, the schlong nose is a real turn on for the lady monkeys.
Unfortunately the Proboscis Monkey is on the endangered species list, which is quite sad, as this is one monkey with the potential to bring great joy to the world.
July 2009 goal update
Seven months down already. That's just crazy. Anyway, straight into it...
Goal Number One: Develop Swollen Pickles into a website that can generate $350US per month.
Effort + Output = Reward. That is probably why I am making very little progress on this goal. $141.03, yeah it's up slightly from $105.98 in June, but it's still less than half way toward the $350 target.
Goal Number Two: Develop Swollen Pickles into a website that receives 35,000 unique visits per month.
Snuck over the target with 35,518 unique visits in July, down from 42,793 unique visits in June.
What I found most interesting about the traffic statistics for July was that 9.52% of traffic to Swollen Pickles came from Bing.
Goal Number Three: Exercise a minimum of three times per week (30 plus minutes per session).
I managed to maintain this goal for the month of July. I'm on a roll.
Goal Number Four: Achieve a Body Mass Index (BMI) within the "Normal" range (from 18.5 to 25).
Getting closer!! I started the year with a hefty BMI of 29, at the end of June it was down to 26.5 by the end of July my BMI was 25.7. My short term goal for the next month is to get the BMI below 25.
Goal Number Five: Reduce my waist measurement to below 94cm.
When I set my goals at the start of the year, I never expected it to take me this long to get hold of a tape measure. In any case, I have no idea what I started at, and I don't really have an accurate measure of where I'm at now. I can say, that I now fit in to pants with a 97cm waist and I need a belt.
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